Well, it's a special Christmas Eve edition of Steve's Blog. I'd love to say that we have several special guests stars, or a touching tribute to someone, or moving passages that will make your heart do funny things. But alas, 'tis not to be. We leave those things to other people who are not Steve of Steve's Blog. On this blog, we concentrate on what we do best, which is plop down a couple of random thoughts as we compose our blog late on a Monday night.
And now, this week's Christmas-themed joke: What was Santa's nickname as a baby? Santa Crawls. As in the famous song: "Santa Crawls is trying to escape from the living room to the kitchen because the gate is open". What, you never heard that song"? Well, just you wait, baby, just you wait.
Well, tonight, me and the fam (that's slang for family) went looking at Christmas lights. But you are Jewish, you say! I didn't say that, you say. I know, I made it up, I say. Anyway, we enjoy looking at Christmas lights. Ideally, a real estate ad to lure a Jewish person to buy a house would say, "You will leave near other Jewish people, but you will also be close to good Christmas lights, too." I think I speak for all Jewish people when I say that this is true. How can you speak for all Jewish people, you say? Well, it's very easy, I say. Sweeping generalizations are great, especially when there is no one else there to immediately rebuke (this week's SAT word) me. So there you have it!
Well, it's time to wrap things up (get it, wrap things up, you know, presents, wrap). Until next time, be safe.
Next week: New Year's Eve--Right Wing Conspiracy or Liberal Claptrap! You decide!
Monday, December 24, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Steve's Blog Part Hmmm
Twas the week before Christmas
And all through the blog
Not a comment was stirring
Not even a frog? (well, it rhymed, didn't it?)
The paragraphs were started
By Steve with care
In hopes that new sentences
Would soon be there
Well some had jokes
and some had observations
But all were made
With careful contemplation
And now it's time
for this week's joke
What tastes worse
Than Diet Coke?
The answer is
So plain to see
It's a Diet Coke
That's Caffeine Free
Well, you say
That joke really sucked
If fact, you can
Go get... a drink of water
Hey, this is a family blog
you say
Ok, then, I say
Then let us pray
In this season of blogs
Let's all be at peace
And now it's time
For this blog to cease
And coming up
Next week
How to go
From Geek to Chic!
And all through the blog
Not a comment was stirring
Not even a frog? (well, it rhymed, didn't it?)
The paragraphs were started
By Steve with care
In hopes that new sentences
Would soon be there
Well some had jokes
and some had observations
But all were made
With careful contemplation
And now it's time
for this week's joke
What tastes worse
Than Diet Coke?
The answer is
So plain to see
It's a Diet Coke
That's Caffeine Free
Well, you say
That joke really sucked
If fact, you can
Go get... a drink of water
Hey, this is a family blog
you say
Ok, then, I say
Then let us pray
In this season of blogs
Let's all be at peace
And now it's time
For this blog to cease
And coming up
Next week
How to go
From Geek to Chic!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Steve's Blog Part Latke
Happy Holidays everyone! May the spirit of this blog bring you closer to checking your email again... at this special time of year.
Well, once again, last week's blog, although not mentioned on Oprah, was well received by some high quality individuals and also by some well known collective consciousnesses in this and other realms. If you don't know what that means, that's ok, I don't think that I do either.
And now, this week's joke, which received the official Gradess extended family approval at last Saturday's Chanukah party as sister Lisa's house, and it goes a little something like this: Last week I gave a donation to an organization that helps out physicians who only live near a Barnes & Noble called.... Doctors Without Borders (Can't you hear that Gradess extended family laughter in your ears!)
And now for this week's Chanukah update, a weekly feature that only appears in this week's blog: Yes, Chanukah-palooza 2008 was held last Saturday at Lis and Bob and Melissa's house in Medford New Jersey. Their address is 555 CLearlyNotARealAdressLane, Fictiontown, NJ 55555.
And now, answers to your FAQ's about this Chanukah party:
Were there Latke's? Yep.
Was there Lox? Yep.
Was there Whitefish Salad? Yep.
Were there Bagels? Yep.
Was there Cream Cheese? Yep.
Was there Jewish Apple Cake? Yep.
Was there a birthday cake for Pop-Pop? Yep.
Were there Chanukah presents? Yep.
Was there a Polyanna with the adults, with present stealing involved? Yep.
Did Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop stay for the 11 O'Clock news? Nope, they had another party to go to.
Did Steve and Svetlana stay for dinner? Nope, they had a party to go to.
Did Bev and Rick stay until twilight? Nope, they went home to.
Is this more info than you wanted to know about this party? Yep.
Should I end the blog now? Yep.
Well that wraps up this edition of Monday Night FootBlog. Until next time, be well (Ommm!)
Next week: The hidden grammar mistakes inside your favorite songs, like "Me and Julio down by the schoolyard."
Well, once again, last week's blog, although not mentioned on Oprah, was well received by some high quality individuals and also by some well known collective consciousnesses in this and other realms. If you don't know what that means, that's ok, I don't think that I do either.
And now, this week's joke, which received the official Gradess extended family approval at last Saturday's Chanukah party as sister Lisa's house, and it goes a little something like this: Last week I gave a donation to an organization that helps out physicians who only live near a Barnes & Noble called.... Doctors Without Borders (Can't you hear that Gradess extended family laughter in your ears!)
And now for this week's Chanukah update, a weekly feature that only appears in this week's blog: Yes, Chanukah-palooza 2008 was held last Saturday at Lis and Bob and Melissa's house in Medford New Jersey. Their address is 555 CLearlyNotARealAdressLane, Fictiontown, NJ 55555.
And now, answers to your FAQ's about this Chanukah party:
Were there Latke's? Yep.
Was there Lox? Yep.
Was there Whitefish Salad? Yep.
Were there Bagels? Yep.
Was there Cream Cheese? Yep.
Was there Jewish Apple Cake? Yep.
Was there a birthday cake for Pop-Pop? Yep.
Were there Chanukah presents? Yep.
Was there a Polyanna with the adults, with present stealing involved? Yep.
Did Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop stay for the 11 O'Clock news? Nope, they had another party to go to.
Did Steve and Svetlana stay for dinner? Nope, they had a party to go to.
Did Bev and Rick stay until twilight? Nope, they went home to.
Is this more info than you wanted to know about this party? Yep.
Should I end the blog now? Yep.
Well that wraps up this edition of Monday Night FootBlog. Until next time, be well (Ommm!)
Next week: The hidden grammar mistakes inside your favorite songs, like "Me and Julio down by the schoolyard."
Monday, December 3, 2007
Steve's Blog Part-aaayy!
Well, welcome to December, blog readers. December is a special time for blogging, because the blog spirit is especially strong this time of year. Especially if you are looking for some new Christmas shoes (inside joke).
And now, reviews from last week:
"I was proud to be the star of your Blog"--Sister Lisa
"You outdid yourself. I laughed out loud"--co-worker
"Very funny, schmoo"--the wifey
And now, this week's joke: I tried to get in touch with my inner child the other day, and it hung up on me.--Bah dum bum!
And now, the topic for this week's blog was suggested by one of our readers. He suggested that I talk about the Jet Stream oven. Well, I don't know much about the Jet Stream Oven, but I will tell you what I know. I know that it can cook stuff faster, cleaner and more efficient than a normal oven. And if you call within the next 10 minutes, you can purchase a Jet Stream Oven at a fraction of the cost of other ovens that contain the words "Jet", "Stream" and "Oven". You can also use your Jet Stream Oven for a guided meditation. Picture your Jet Stream Oven in a beautiful field, surrounded by colorful wildflowers swaying in the breeze. The sun beats down on your Jet Stream Oven like a bright, but not too hot, summer day. Let your Jet Stream Oven breathe in and out, focusing on its breathe. Lay back on the hot ground with your Jet Stream Oven and let you mind be emptied of all of the clutter of this work-a-day world. Then, dance around with your Jet Stream Oven to a joyous song, like Sheryl Crow's "I wanna soak up the sun." Then, drift slowly off to sleep.................................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Have a peaceful week, faithful readers and users of the Jet Stream Oven!
Next week: How to Lose a Week and a Half in Ten Days!
Love,
Steve
And now, reviews from last week:
"I was proud to be the star of your Blog"--Sister Lisa
"You outdid yourself. I laughed out loud"--co-worker
"Very funny, schmoo"--the wifey
And now, this week's joke: I tried to get in touch with my inner child the other day, and it hung up on me.--Bah dum bum!
And now, the topic for this week's blog was suggested by one of our readers. He suggested that I talk about the Jet Stream oven. Well, I don't know much about the Jet Stream Oven, but I will tell you what I know. I know that it can cook stuff faster, cleaner and more efficient than a normal oven. And if you call within the next 10 minutes, you can purchase a Jet Stream Oven at a fraction of the cost of other ovens that contain the words "Jet", "Stream" and "Oven". You can also use your Jet Stream Oven for a guided meditation. Picture your Jet Stream Oven in a beautiful field, surrounded by colorful wildflowers swaying in the breeze. The sun beats down on your Jet Stream Oven like a bright, but not too hot, summer day. Let your Jet Stream Oven breathe in and out, focusing on its breathe. Lay back on the hot ground with your Jet Stream Oven and let you mind be emptied of all of the clutter of this work-a-day world. Then, dance around with your Jet Stream Oven to a joyous song, like Sheryl Crow's "I wanna soak up the sun." Then, drift slowly off to sleep.................................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Have a peaceful week, faithful readers and users of the Jet Stream Oven!
Next week: How to Lose a Week and a Half in Ten Days!
Love,
Steve
Monday, November 26, 2007
Steve's Blog Part Dog
Hello Everyone! We have some exciting news to start out show. This week's blog title was chosen by one of our loyal readers. Over a million people besides our winner did not submit an entry! Staggering numbers indeed.
And, coming up later, two of our readers wanted to be in this week's blog. Later in this blog, they will get their wish. STAY TUNED!
But first, this week's joke: Arnold Schwartnegger, using his credit card—Hasta la Visa, Baby!
That was a joke from the Steve joke archives--on vinyl. Up next, a classic from Thin Lizzy.
And now, as promised, two of our readers get to star in this week's blog. The nominees are:
Brad Pitt
Lindsay Lohan
Julia Roberts
My Sister Lisa
My niece Melissa
And the winner is.......... Oh my God, we have a tie. It's My Sister Lisa and My Niece Melissa! Congratulations to you both! Lisa and Melissa could not be here tonight. We at Steve's Blog accept this award in their honor.
And now, a story starring Lisa and Melissa.
Lisa and Melissa were walking in the woods one day when suddenly they heard a noise. They both stopped in their tracks and said, "EEK!" Then, they hugged each other and screamed "Auuuggghhh!" Then, they decided to sing and dance for no reason for a few minutes, ala a Broadway Show. Then, they called Bobby Bear. "Bobby Bear, what shall we do? We heard a noise while we were walking in the woods. What shall we do, oh wise Bear?" And Bobby Bear said, "Sorry, the Flyers game is on, call me back at 10 O'Clock." And because Bobby Bear wouldn't help, Lisa and Melissa were both eaten by a Giant Silly Thing. The End.
Well, that's all for this week's blog. Shee you shoon!
Next week: The America Association of Redundancy of America
And, coming up later, two of our readers wanted to be in this week's blog. Later in this blog, they will get their wish. STAY TUNED!
But first, this week's joke: Arnold Schwartnegger, using his credit card—Hasta la Visa, Baby!
That was a joke from the Steve joke archives--on vinyl. Up next, a classic from Thin Lizzy.
And now, as promised, two of our readers get to star in this week's blog. The nominees are:
Brad Pitt
Lindsay Lohan
Julia Roberts
My Sister Lisa
My niece Melissa
And the winner is.......... Oh my God, we have a tie. It's My Sister Lisa and My Niece Melissa! Congratulations to you both! Lisa and Melissa could not be here tonight. We at Steve's Blog accept this award in their honor.
And now, a story starring Lisa and Melissa.
Lisa and Melissa were walking in the woods one day when suddenly they heard a noise. They both stopped in their tracks and said, "EEK!" Then, they hugged each other and screamed "Auuuggghhh!" Then, they decided to sing and dance for no reason for a few minutes, ala a Broadway Show. Then, they called Bobby Bear. "Bobby Bear, what shall we do? We heard a noise while we were walking in the woods. What shall we do, oh wise Bear?" And Bobby Bear said, "Sorry, the Flyers game is on, call me back at 10 O'Clock." And because Bobby Bear wouldn't help, Lisa and Melissa were both eaten by a Giant Silly Thing. The End.
Well, that's all for this week's blog. Shee you shoon!
Next week: The America Association of Redundancy of America
Monday, November 19, 2007
Steve's Blog Part Cat
Yes, it's the moment you've all been waiting for--another blog.
First off, one reader suggested that as an addendum to last week's blog that I give some kudos to our nation's veterans. Ok, here goes: "Kudos, nation's veterans!" Second, I'd like to give a shout out to all of our international readers out there (well, one person, as far as I know, but better than nuttin'! Third, I made a comment on another person's blog, and both the blogger and his mother thought it was funny. Check it out at http://cheifet.blogspot.com (re: "A state of loneliness").
Ok, now it's time for this week's joke: What do you call a game show about couples with bladder problems? The NewlyWet Game. HA HA HA!
And now, the real meat of the blog. The part where I really pull out all of the stops. The part where I paint the town red. The part where I make you forget a time when there wasn't a Steve's Blog. Yes, it's time to look back at the ups and down of Steve's first three blog in a segment called VHWUN's Behind the Blog.
Narrator: Everything was looking rosy for Steve after his first blog. Everyone suddently loved him, or so he thought. But paranoia quickly set in. Did they love him for him, or was it just for his blog? Here's Steve, in his own words.
Steve: This is me, in my own words.
Narrator: Telling words indeed. By the second blog, Steve was addicted to prescription painkillers and huffing and had withdrawn from society. When he tried to get in touch with his inner child, it hung up on him. He had hit rock bottom. Steve now continues the story.
Steve: Please continue.
Narrator: Ok. By the third blog, Steve had turned his life around. It wasn't any one thing that turned him around, just a lot of hard lessons along the way. Steve now courageously continues his blogging journey, in this, his fourth blog. And now, Steve's final thoughts.
Steve: Thanks for all of your support. Keeping buying the albums! We'll see you next week.
Next week: Celsius to Fahrenheit--What they don't want you to know.
First off, one reader suggested that as an addendum to last week's blog that I give some kudos to our nation's veterans. Ok, here goes: "Kudos, nation's veterans!" Second, I'd like to give a shout out to all of our international readers out there (well, one person, as far as I know, but better than nuttin'! Third, I made a comment on another person's blog, and both the blogger and his mother thought it was funny. Check it out at http://cheifet.blogspot.com (re: "A state of loneliness").
Ok, now it's time for this week's joke: What do you call a game show about couples with bladder problems? The NewlyWet Game. HA HA HA!
And now, the real meat of the blog. The part where I really pull out all of the stops. The part where I paint the town red. The part where I make you forget a time when there wasn't a Steve's Blog. Yes, it's time to look back at the ups and down of Steve's first three blog in a segment called VHWUN's Behind the Blog.
Narrator: Everything was looking rosy for Steve after his first blog. Everyone suddently loved him, or so he thought. But paranoia quickly set in. Did they love him for him, or was it just for his blog? Here's Steve, in his own words.
Steve: This is me, in my own words.
Narrator: Telling words indeed. By the second blog, Steve was addicted to prescription painkillers and huffing and had withdrawn from society. When he tried to get in touch with his inner child, it hung up on him. He had hit rock bottom. Steve now continues the story.
Steve: Please continue.
Narrator: Ok. By the third blog, Steve had turned his life around. It wasn't any one thing that turned him around, just a lot of hard lessons along the way. Steve now courageously continues his blogging journey, in this, his fourth blog. And now, Steve's final thoughts.
Steve: Thanks for all of your support. Keeping buying the albums! We'll see you next week.
Next week: Celsius to Fahrenheit--What they don't want you to know.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Steve's Blog Part Twah
Welcome back, everyone! I hope you all had a good week! I know I did! You can tell by all of the exclamation marks!
Before we get started, one of my co-workers suggested that I put more "jokey jokes" in my blog, the kind that can just hit you in the face with laughter. Well, we at Steve's Blog like to please our audience. So here goes, a joke:
Arnold Swartzenegger, in his new movie about composers: "You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach!"
And there you have it, a joke to start things off. Well, aforementioned co-worker, I hope you liked that one. If not, well, I shudder to even think about it. Let's just hope for the best.
And now, we can begin. Because it is Veteran's Day today, today's blog is a salute to veterans. How do I know it is Veteran's Day, you ask? Well, because I work for the government and I had the day off. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have even noticed. But anyway, I will now tell you how I spent my day honoring veterans.
First, I drove my daughter to day care, honoring veterans every step of the way. Then, I dropped my son off at our neighbor's house so she could take him to the school bus stop, still thinking about veterans all the way. I then had breakfast, veterans racing through my head with every chew. Next, I took a two hour nap, dreaming about veterans in every REM Stage. Then, I woke up and had some lunch, chewing and honoring veterans at the same time (not an easy feat).
After that, I really honored veterans by going to Kohl's to shop at a Veteran's Day sale. I bought one shirt and three pairs of pants that would be suitable for a veteran of my exact build and taste. And if this veteran were like me, he would have to shop alone because his wife would refuse to shop with him again because it takes him so long to pick out clothes. Then I drove home--driving, listening to the radio and honoring veterans, all at the same time (I am multi-talented!).
After surfing the internet for a while (no doubt while some veterans were surfing the internet, too), I took another nap (I am not only multi-talented, but multi-tired, too!) Other tired veterans may have been sleeping at the same time I was, which is pretty exciting! Then, I woke up and had some food while watching Oprah, with special guest star Celine Dion. Imagine how many veterans were probably watching the same show, because I'm sure lots of veterans like Oprah. I hope one day to have my book be the first humorous book in Oprah's book club. Most of those books are too bloody serious. Lighten up, people!
At this point, it was around the time that I would have been getting out of work anyway, so after this time I did not concentrate on specifically honoring veterans, except for this blog which I am writing now.
And now, I leave you with this week's poll question:
What do you think veterans would think of this blog:
A. This is a load of crap.
B. This is a load of doo-doo.
C. This is a load of (insert your own synonym here)
D. All of the above.
Coming up next week: More stuff off of the top of my head. Sassy!
Love ya, mean it!
--Moi
Before we get started, one of my co-workers suggested that I put more "jokey jokes" in my blog, the kind that can just hit you in the face with laughter. Well, we at Steve's Blog like to please our audience. So here goes, a joke:
Arnold Swartzenegger, in his new movie about composers: "You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach!"
And there you have it, a joke to start things off. Well, aforementioned co-worker, I hope you liked that one. If not, well, I shudder to even think about it. Let's just hope for the best.
And now, we can begin. Because it is Veteran's Day today, today's blog is a salute to veterans. How do I know it is Veteran's Day, you ask? Well, because I work for the government and I had the day off. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have even noticed. But anyway, I will now tell you how I spent my day honoring veterans.
First, I drove my daughter to day care, honoring veterans every step of the way. Then, I dropped my son off at our neighbor's house so she could take him to the school bus stop, still thinking about veterans all the way. I then had breakfast, veterans racing through my head with every chew. Next, I took a two hour nap, dreaming about veterans in every REM Stage. Then, I woke up and had some lunch, chewing and honoring veterans at the same time (not an easy feat).
After that, I really honored veterans by going to Kohl's to shop at a Veteran's Day sale. I bought one shirt and three pairs of pants that would be suitable for a veteran of my exact build and taste. And if this veteran were like me, he would have to shop alone because his wife would refuse to shop with him again because it takes him so long to pick out clothes. Then I drove home--driving, listening to the radio and honoring veterans, all at the same time (I am multi-talented!).
After surfing the internet for a while (no doubt while some veterans were surfing the internet, too), I took another nap (I am not only multi-talented, but multi-tired, too!) Other tired veterans may have been sleeping at the same time I was, which is pretty exciting! Then, I woke up and had some food while watching Oprah, with special guest star Celine Dion. Imagine how many veterans were probably watching the same show, because I'm sure lots of veterans like Oprah. I hope one day to have my book be the first humorous book in Oprah's book club. Most of those books are too bloody serious. Lighten up, people!
At this point, it was around the time that I would have been getting out of work anyway, so after this time I did not concentrate on specifically honoring veterans, except for this blog which I am writing now.
And now, I leave you with this week's poll question:
What do you think veterans would think of this blog:
A. This is a load of crap.
B. This is a load of doo-doo.
C. This is a load of (insert your own synonym here)
D. All of the above.
Coming up next week: More stuff off of the top of my head. Sassy!
Love ya, mean it!
--Moi
Monday, November 5, 2007
Blog Part Duh
Well, here we are at the second blog already. How time has gone by. I'd like to thank all of you for your response last week which was, if not overwhelming, was at least whelming. And at least one or two people asked me when my next blog was going to be. (cue snooty accent) Well, we can't disappoint our public, can we. HA HA HA. (end snooty accent)
So one person wanted to know what the JHBCT was. Well this is a creation from my friend Mike, and it is in fact the not-well-known-at-all Journal of Half-Baked Cacamaimy Theories, a journal that doesn't really exist, but it still funny nonetheless. More breaking news about this journal as it becomes available.
And now it's time for this week's deep thought--When a lamp is not turned on, it is still called a lamp. And when a light is not turned on, it is still a light. So why it is so hard for women to email my friend Mike back when he emails them on Match.com? If anyone knows the answer to this question, please provide it to us. Don't keep it to yourself. That would be rude. And if you know the answers to any other questions, please feel free to share them, too. Or if you know any other questions, whether or not they have answers, you can tell us about that, as well. Basically, you can do whatever you want. Who am I to tell you what to do? (cue Jewish Mother accent) Vell, if you vant to throw your life avay, don't let me stand in your way. Oy Vay! (end Jewish Accent)
Ok, that's it for this week's blog.
COMING UP NEXT WEEK: How to make a half an hour in 30 minutes or less.
Stay classy, internet!
So one person wanted to know what the JHBCT was. Well this is a creation from my friend Mike, and it is in fact the not-well-known-at-all Journal of Half-Baked Cacamaimy Theories, a journal that doesn't really exist, but it still funny nonetheless. More breaking news about this journal as it becomes available.
And now it's time for this week's deep thought--When a lamp is not turned on, it is still called a lamp. And when a light is not turned on, it is still a light. So why it is so hard for women to email my friend Mike back when he emails them on Match.com? If anyone knows the answer to this question, please provide it to us. Don't keep it to yourself. That would be rude. And if you know the answers to any other questions, please feel free to share them, too. Or if you know any other questions, whether or not they have answers, you can tell us about that, as well. Basically, you can do whatever you want. Who am I to tell you what to do? (cue Jewish Mother accent) Vell, if you vant to throw your life avay, don't let me stand in your way. Oy Vay! (end Jewish Accent)
Ok, that's it for this week's blog.
COMING UP NEXT WEEK: How to make a half an hour in 30 minutes or less.
Stay classy, internet!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Welcome to my blog
Hey, all. Welcome to Steve's first blog post. Throngs of people (well, at least a couple anyway) have implored me to start a blog. They really had to twist my arm, because I am so shy, but eventually, I thought I should do it for the good of humanity (cue dramatic music). Because every American who longs for humor and psychobabble in this great land of ours needs to have a voice. Why? So they can ask where the bathroom is? Otherwise, they might pee their pants.
But seriously, I dye grass, I mean, I digress. So, in this blog you will certainly get some "musings", as are the trademark of a blog. You will also learn about things such as Humortology, Psychobabble, The Secret Plan (not to be confused with The Secret, unless you want to), Bulk Discounts, and possibly even the JHBCT (if I have my friend Mike as a guest blogger.
Well, for now, Ta Ta.
But seriously, I dye grass, I mean, I digress. So, in this blog you will certainly get some "musings", as are the trademark of a blog. You will also learn about things such as Humortology, Psychobabble, The Secret Plan (not to be confused with The Secret, unless you want to), Bulk Discounts, and possibly even the JHBCT (if I have my friend Mike as a guest blogger.
Well, for now, Ta Ta.
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