thehumortologypsychobabbleblog

Hey all.

2010-01-13T23:37:00.001-05:00

New decade, new blog!

Steve's Blog Part "Hello, yeah, it's been a while..."

2009-03-16T21:53:00.002-04:00

Well, it's been a few weeks since my last blog. I certainly could have found the time to do one, but alas. And I was going to do one tonight, but now it's too late.

Oh well.

Steve's Blog Part "And the winner is..."

2009-02-23T21:41:00.002-05:00

Well, my wife needs to use the computer soon so this will have to be a fast blog. It will have to be so fast that even the most greatest analogy about things being fast will not do it justice.

So, the Oscars. How about that dress that lady was wearing? Did that not make her look like a dog returning from a long frisbee catch with its owner?

And how about that guy with the thing? Unbelievable.

Do you believe that one award. All of those people were nominated, and they gave it to that guy. That really makes me mad. I can't even express what I am feeling right now.

And that lady when she giving her speech, like, she tried to mention all 6 billion people on the planet. Like, what's up with that?

And that musical number, with this thing and that thing and the other thing. It all added up to Bubkes if you ask me. Oy!

And that one commercial with the lady and the guy and they had that thing and then the other person came along. That was actually pretty good.

And the ending was good, when the credits were rolling and it was over. I think that was the best part.

And my friend won the award for best place to watch the Oscars without the sound and close captioning for "That other Mexican restaurant".

The award for best glance at the Oscars while trying to get the kids to bed goes to me, Steve.

And the award for best zonk out on the couch during the Oscars goes to my bride of 12 plus years, Svetlana.

And the award for the last sentence in this blog goes to this sentence.

Steve's Blog Part "Distracted"

2009-02-09T21:42:00.003-05:00

While I am writing this blog, I am on the phone with my friend Mike. We'll see how I do with the distraction of another type of media. So far, so good. Although, I don't have a head set or anything so I am bound to get a crick in my neck from holding the phone without my hands you know.

What a coincidence! Mike just asked me if I am going back to my blog tonight. I told him that I am writing one right now. And Mike just said a joke about where they grow blogs like a cranberry blog.

Tonight, Mike went to a Thai restaurant and the hostess, grinning from ear to ear, said to him, "Just one of you tonight?" As opposed to his clones, who had stayed home that night.

If twins came in separately, Mike said we could have a great comedy bit with hilarious consequences.

Mike is now going to tell me how Fawlty Towers teaches life lessons. Mike is taking a while to get to the punchline. He said that, similar to an episode of Fawlty Towers, he was too embarrassed to call or email about his dance lesson so he was going to drive down there to see if he really had a lesson. He decided to email instead, which was a good thing, because they emailed him back to tell him they were on their way to Ireland. He had actually missed his lesson last week, and they wondered why he didn't show up. So don't be afraid to confront the truth, to save yourself some gas.

And now, I am going to read the blog to Mike. We'll see what he thinks. Mike is laughing, and, as usual, is thinking of all sorts of permutations and add ons to the blog material. But the blog is getting too long. We'll have Mike say goodbye. Mike says: Life is like Ocean Spray commercials. It's all about blogs and bogs.

Goodnight!

Steve's Blog Part "Facebook"

2009-01-26T21:43:00.002-05:00

One great thing about Facebook is all of the cool groups you can create or join. If you are not on Facebook, this blog probably will not make much sense, but anyhoo, here goes.

Here are the Top Ten Groups that I'd like to create:

10: People who love words that contain the letter "E".

9: People who worship Steven Gradess like the man goddess he is.

8: People who were born on July 20, 1971 and are also good at solving Rubix Cubes.

7: People who graduated high school.

6: People, people who love people...

5: People who are fed up with people who are fed up, and also like Pat Benatar.

4: People who remember things in their hometown that are no longer there.

3: People who only watched the first 40 minutes of every Love Boat episode and therefore think that nothing ever works out.

2: People who are still searching for a word to rhyme with orange after all of these years.

1: People who like reading to the end of blogs.

Steve's Blog Part "Not What You Would Think"

2009-01-12T22:24:00.002-05:00

Most of you would probably think that I would write a blog today about the Eagles. But no, today, I truly want to appeal to everybody. And what do we have in common. We all started out as a one-celled creature. So here are some jokes about one-celled creatures.

How does a one-celled creature call his friend? On his One-Cell Phone.

How did the one-celled salesman get the people to buy the product? He went for the hard cell.

Why did the amoeba (a one-celled animal) go to a personal trainer? So he could stay out of shape.

What happened to the one-celled couple when they were having problems? They split up.

What do one-celled kids play with? Cell-y putty.

What is the favorite battery of one-celled animals? Duh. Dura-cell.

How did the one-celled animal say goodbye to the other one-celled animal? Nice to cell you. Cell you later.

Well, that's all of the one-celled jokes I have for tonight. It really brings you back to when you were a one-celled creature, doesn't it?

Alright, GO EAGLES!

Steve's Blog Part "KBLG"

2009-01-05T22:03:00.002-05:00

Welcome to KBLG, your super blog radio station. I'm your host, DJ M.C. Humor, and we got some great songs for you tonight, and they're all about blogs.

First off, it's a peppy little number that goes a little something like this:

Don't just sit there
like a bump on a log
Go on
and write your blog.

You can write about airplanes
or cranberries in bogs
As long as
you call it--a blog.

Ok, just a little sampling of that one. And now on to a little folksy ditty that goes a little sumptin' like dis:

If I had a blog,
I'd blog in the morning
I'd blog in the evening
All over this land

I'd blog for nonsense
I'd blog for no reason
I'd send a link, to,
My sisters and brothers
My friends and coworkers
All over this land.

Awesome! And now a rockin' tune from America's greatest hard rock blogger, Bloggy Blogsbourne:

Blogging
That's how I roll
I learned how to blog
Blogging wherever I go-o-o.

Criticism
Won't change me
I'll blog until I break
I'm going on with a rant
On a blogging train...

And finally, before we go to break, a blog song leftover from the holidays:

Little blogs, little blogs
Little blogs rock
'Cause if they're too long
You won't stay for long

Ranting and raving
enough for one day
Now it's time
To say Hooray!

And that's... this week's.... blog...........

Steve's Blog Part "Holiday Spectular"

2008-12-22T22:10:00.002-05:00

Okay, let's get right to it, it's Steve's Holiday Spectacular. We've got a lot to get to, so let's go right to our sideline reporter Frank Young. "Frank, is it true that you'll probably stay with Steve's Blog for three or four years or so and then get your own blog, or worse, try your own sitcom?"
"That's right, Steve. You've hit the nail on the head on that hot button topic. Even now, as I say each word, I am painstakingly plotting and preparing to leave your blog."
"Well I do appreciate your candor, Frank. And now on to Jane Thompson, who has a real report for us."
"Thank you, Steve. I am standing here in front of a mall, and, even at this hour, the mall is still open. I could interview someone, Steve, but inevitabley they would just say the same old stuff people always say at this time of year--so I'll just send it back to you, Steve."
"Jane you ignorant reporter. Don't you realize that the mindless person at the mall interview is a staple of Holiday Time news. Without it, the whole fabric of society would break down. Even now, as I am looking at a picture of me and my two older sisters, my oldest sister is already starting to disappear. AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH."
"This is Kevin Santana stepping in for a moment. I'm at home in my cozy bed sipping some hot chocolate while my cameraman is in front of police headquarters following a rapidly developing story. The upshot is..."
"What, you're not out there live, too. What is this, a revolt? Now the floorboards are starting to break. WAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
"Hello, Mary Caldwell here for a quick look at traffice on the 2 1/2's. As you can see from the traffic cameras, things are pretty congested on the interstate tonight. But me, I'm checking on the situation from my WiFi Internet connection over at Panera Bread, where I've just ordered a Bread Bowl and a gourmet carbonated beverage. Later, I think I'll get a muffin, and perhaps..."
"Panera Bread! Panera Bread! You've got to be kidding me. I'm melting. Melting. Melting..."
AND NOW THE LAST WORD FROM ANDY ROOKNEE: "It's pretty sad when newsmen start melting on camera. Growing up in Rural Countryland, thoughts of metlting newsmen on wacky newscasts was the furthest thing from our mind. Finding some nice berries to pick, or resting under the shade of a nice tree--that was more like it. Nowadays..."
ON THE NEXT ENCORE PRESENTATION OF EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND...

Happy Holidays everyone!

Steve's Blog Part "Joke"

2008-12-08T22:05:00.002-05:00

Today I came up with a joke so good I think it is worthy of being my entire blog, so it can stand on its own as a really good joke.

So here it goes. And I invite your feedback as to whether or not this joke was really worthy of being my entire blog, other than the filler I am typing right now.

So here it goes for real this time:

There is a new Health Insurance plan for people who get stranded on a lagoon.

It's called "Blue Cross, Brooke Shields".

Well, there you have it. Have a good week everyone, and remember this week's inspiration quote: It is only in the darkness that we see the beauty of Christmas lights. (Oooh, deep)

Steve's Blog Part "Stream of Consciousness"

2008-12-01T22:31:00.002-05:00

Every once in a while it is fun just to do a story right off of ze cuff. So here goes.

One day a man is walking along and suddenly he sees something out of the corner of his eye. He looks, but he is confused about what he sees. He goes into a state of shock, and it is only through the grace of some neon lights in the distance that he regains his mojo. He picks up his cell phone and dials one of his closest confidants, a man with whom he has had many adventures. A man so fine they can't even call him Crackerjack, for fear of fear itself. A man so chock full of goodness he could be a candy bar. A man with a plan so fierce he could be a tiger, the kind you would see on Safari or something.

Ok, it is time to take a break from our story to put in some fishies for dinner tomorrow. I'll be back in a minute. Ok, I'm back. I set my alarm for precisely 10:54 PM. We'll see if I finish this blog before the fishies are done. And now back to the story.

What these men didn't know was that far across the desert plains, in that place that has a lot of deserts, another man was thinking about something that could change the force of history. But unfortunately, this narrator was not privy to that information. We tried to talk the man into telling us, but he wouldn't budge. So, just to spite him, he is cut out of this story.

Let that be a lesson to all of you. Give it up for the narrator, or out of the story you go. Anyway, where were we. Oh yeah, it was now 3 in the afternoon, much later than it had been before. This is significant only insofar as that time was still a factor in this equation. If time had stopped, it would be a completely different story altogether.

By now, some of you will quit reading the blog after this sentence. For those who wish to continue, here's more of the story.

Sally, a person about whom we have not heard yet in this story, could in fact be the story's most important person, because it is she alone who knows 150 gifts to get any woman that will be a surefire bet. She also knows how to get the best pair of shoes at a great price. And she also knows that Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner--because she saw Dirty Dancing, back in the day.

Even more of you have now given up on this blog. For the two of you who still remain, here is the final chapter in the story.

Finally, all of the main characters would meet in a place that they wouldn't have expected to meet--a Mailboxes Etc. store. It was there that the briefcases were exchanged, as well as pleasantries, some recipes, as well as business cards. Some even exchanged phone numbers. Some even promised to check out each other's Facebook accounts. All went as planned, and everyone lived to see another day.

By now, surely everyone has tired of this blog and has moved on. So surely these last couple sentences are purely for my own enjoyment.

Steve, I've known you all my life. You make me laugh, you make me cry, but through it all, you've stood by--well, actually you've stood in the exact same spot as me, because you are me. What I'm trying to say is, Steve, I couldn't have done it without you. And don't you forget it.

Ooh, the fishies alarm just went off. Ok, ta ta for now.

Steve's Blog Part "Thanksgiving"

2008-11-24T21:58:00.004-05:00

And now, some short stories to inspire you at this time of year.

A Mother's Hope

A mother had gone through a difficult time with her children. She felt thankful for her children.

The End.

The Kindness of Strangers

A man met a stranger who was kind to him. He realized later that the stranger was really someone famous. He felt very surprised and grateful.

The End.

Flat Tires

A man had a flat tire. While he was changing the tire, he thought of all the good things in his life. He felt very good.

The End.

The Candy Store

A man went into a candy store and was looking confused. A child, who didn't have a lot of money, thought the man couldn't afford any candy and offered to buy him some. What a kid!

The End.

The Christmas Shoos

A man gets shooed away by some people because he doesn't look very well groomed. Then, one of the people gets to talk to him and realizes he's a very kind, wise man. All ends well, and everyone learns a valuable lesson.

The End.

A Chanukah Miracle

The TiVo, which was only supposed to hold the show in memory for one more day, holds it for eight more days. It's a Miracle!

The End.

The Coin

A man is trying to shut down a UHF station. A beggar asks him for a coin. The coin turns out to be worth $2,000 and helps save the station. Wait, that's from a movie!... Why I oughta!

The End.

The End of The Blog

A man finishes writing his blog. His family generally likes it. One guy is a bit sarcastic about it, but in a fun way. Another guy has to say again why he really didn't like it. Life goes on.

The End.

Steve's Blog Part "All Veterans Eve"

2008-11-10T21:34:00.002-05:00

It was the night before Veterans Day, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except me doing this blog.

So anyway, let's take some calls.

We have Caller #1 on the line from Somewhere, USA:

Caller #1: Yes, Steve, what are your predictions for the upcoming election?
Steve: I think you're a bit late there honey. But don't be surprised it Barack Obama pulls it out at the last second.

Caller #2: Steve, my dahling, lawng time reader, first time cawler. So what are you going to be for Halloween this year?
Steve: Hmm. Very strange. Did you realize that Halloween has already passed.
Caller#2: Yep. I was just messing with ya.
Steve: Ok, then, cuz. See ya later. These people.

Caller#3: Could you see yourself being a mirror salesman? Get it? See yourself! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Steve: I'm sorry, but I don't believe you were really asking a question there. You seemed to be telling some sort of joke. Now that you've confused me, on to the next caller.

Caller#4: Who are your comic influences?
Steve: Martin Lawrence and Joey Lawrence. Sheh-nay-nay! Woah! Oh, they crack me up.

Caller#5: Growing up, did you somehow feel that something was missing?
Steve: Yes, I've been upset ever since the guy with the high voice left Supertramp.

Caller#6: Is it true that fools rush in where angels fear to tread?
Steve: Yes.

Caller#7: When all is said and done...
Steve: We're done.

Steve's Blog Part "Election"

2008-11-03T22:24:00.003-05:00

Well, the Presidential election is tomorrow. We all know what's at stake. Evidently, both Senators McCain and Obama have realized that Steve's Blog is the only bit of possible advertising space that they have not touched in this campaign. And, my friends, just to spite me for that, they each want to take over Steve's Blog right away, even though the election will be over tomorrow.

But I have very persuasive arguments as to why I should remain at the helm of Steve's Blog.

If Senator McCain is elected as President of Steve's Blog, he will, for the first time, make you pay for reading Steve's Blog. I think that is unconscionable. He will also put a freeze on all new ideas in Steve's Blog. And while it is true that I don't come up with new ideas very often, on the off chance that I should come up with some great ideas, I think that is "that word that I said before". Also, all blogs would have to be pre-screened by Sarah Palin before they were posted. If she didn't get the joke, it wouldn't be allowed to be printed. You know what havoc that would cause.

And if Senator Obama took over Steve's Blog, he would tax all blogs over 250 words. Now it is true that many of my blogs are short. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't have the freedom to make my blog as long as I want! And furthermore, if my blog is long and well-written, Senator Obama proposes to take some of my blog and share it with other less-fortunate blogs whose writers may not be as skilled or as fortunate as I. And finally, he will play the race car and force all blogs to be about NASCAR (What, it's not the race car? Oh, never mind)

Ralph Nader, I believe, is also running for President of Steve's Blog. He thinks that Steve's Blog is wasteful and is not good for the environment. He wants to shut Steve's Blog down outright, without so much as a warning. But just because Steve's Blog is usually written between 10 and 11 O'Clock at night on a Monday, doesn't mean it's not a literary masterpiece every time! One that lifts the human spirit! And takes the country on its back! And rides the wave of cliche right into the next millenium-century-era-period-of-times-of-war-and-inequality-and-lots-of-other-stuff!

So on November 4, (or whenever), vote for Steve to continue as the leader of Steve's Blog. And help keep this country Gradess!

I'm Steve, and I approved this blog.

Steve's Blog Part "Phooey!"

2008-10-28T00:02:00.000-04:00

Phooey! (You know what I'm talkin' about)

Steve's Blog Part "World Series"

2008-10-20T23:53:00.003-04:00

So the Phils are going to the World Series against the Tampa Bay Rays. Should be a fun series. But, in this political season, the question, for the country as a whole, of which team to root for, turns out to be a complicated one.

At first glance, it would seem that people who normally root for the National League should root for the Phillies, and people who typically root for the American League should cheer for the Rays.
Ah, but it is not so simple. Unlike the election, we can't just divide states up into Phillies states and Rays states. It is way more complicated than that.

For example, one girl at work is a Mets fan, and Mets fans don't like the Phillies. So for her, her anti-Phillies sentiments are stronger than her pro-National League sentiments, so she will be rooting more against the Phils rather than "for" the Rays.

And what about the Brewers and the Dodgers. They were beaten by the Phillies in the playoffs. So does that mean that people in L.A. and Milwaukee should root against the Phillies to get back at them. Or, on the other hand, should they root for the Phillies so that they know that they lost to a good team, i.e. the team that one it all.

And what about other cities that have teams who are in both the National League and American League. What should they do?

And what about people who live in the part of New Jersey where Philly fans and New York fans meet. What should they do? Are they always confused about what to do in life? Will they have troubled deciding whom to vote for on November 4? Can I keep on asking questions in this paragraph? Or should I start a new one?

Well that answers that question. It was time to start a new paragraph. So my point is, if people have this much of a dilemma deciding which baseball team to root for, how can you expect us to decide who to make the next President? It's just too much pressure.

Actually, that's not my point. My point is: THE PHILLIES ARE GOING ALL THE WAY, BABY! COLE HAMELS, RYAN HOWARD, SHANE VICTORINO, ALL DEM PHILLIES! WOO HOO! PASS ME ANOTHER BUD LITE, BABY! THE DIFFERENCE IS DRINKABILITY, YOU KNOW. OOH, AND AFTER A MILLION COMMERCIALS, I FORGOT TO WATCH THE NEW SEASON OF FRANK TV TONIGHT ON TBS. OH WELL. I'M SURE THEY WILL RUN THE SAME EPIDODE A GAZILLION TIMES!

And now: IT'S A LONG DRIVE TO WORK TOMORROW... I GOTTA MAKE MY LUNCH... I'M OUTTA HERE!

Steve's Blog Part "Woo Hoo"

2008-10-14T00:12:00.000-04:00

Woo Hoo! Phillies!

Steve's Blog Part "Phillies"

2008-10-06T21:05:00.002-04:00

Well, it's 2008 and the Phillies are back to the National League Championship Series for the first time since 1993. It is quite exciting, and helps lessen the sting of the Eagles sucking it big time this year.

And now, a poem about the Phillies:

Oh, Phillies!
You're doing quite well.
You really hung in there.
Which I think is swell.

Oh, Phillies!
You really play great.
I bet.
You never show up late.

Oh, Phillies!
You're all that.
I always cheer.
When you're up to bat.

Oh, Phillies!
What do you think?
About this financial crisis.
It really stinks.

Oh, Phillies!
Oh, baby. Oh, mama.
How 'bout that election?
Are ya votin' for Obama?

Oh, Phillies!
For equal time.
It's really plain.
I have to mention McCain.

Oh, Phillies!
Tomorrow is Tuesday.
I'll have to take out the trash.
That sucks.

Oh, Phillies!
Did you see?
A dog with a bottle of ketchup.
Walking on his Heinz legs?

Oh, Phillies!
Why can't a girl ant float?
Why?
Because it's not buoy-ant.

Oh, Phillies!
Time to go
Before people say
That this blog is too long.

Steve's Blog Part "Philly Sports"

2008-09-22T22:10:00.002-04:00

Hello again, blog fans. We are back after a "no blog" week last week. That is because I was up until after midnight watching the Eagles game over my brother-in-law's house. It was a great game against the 'Boys, but unfortunately we were not victorious. But luckily, we won this week, so we are back on track.

And how 'bout dem Phillies. A couple of weeks ago we seemed dead in the water, and now we can either win the division, or we have the wild card as a back up. Who woulda thunk it? It will be funny if the Mets totally blow it again this year and don't even make the wild card. HA HA.

For those of you who do not like sports, here is an alternative blog by my fictional female alter ego Mrs. Humor:
Tootles, blog fans. I was NOT here last week, because I was too distraught about my hair being blown around from all of this windy weather. I just don't know what to say about the new fall fashion trends. They call it Haut Couture. Feh!--They should call it "Oat" Couture, because these clothes are only fit for horses. The only thing good this fall is the new season of America's Next Top Model. It promises to be the best one yet.

And I don't know about you, but I am sick of having to put on makeup all of the time. And really, it's not the other men we're afraid will judge us, it's the other women. Come on, girls! Let's stop bringing each other down. Let's burn our lipstick and go natural! Just don't take away my hairspray. I do need that.

There you have it. A fair and balanced Male/Female blog. And if any of my readers are canines, I say, "Woof Woof". And for the felines, "Meow Meow". --The Dr.

Steve's Blog Part "Quick"

2008-09-08T21:36:00.003-04:00

This has to be a quick blog, for we have lots of chores to do for tomorrow, because we have to try to get out of the house early tomorrow, because tomorrow night, we are going to try to buy... A NEW CAR!!!!!! That's right, the brand new 2009 Camry. The 2009 Camry features four wheels, a steering wheel, built in front, side and back windows and seats. All for a low price. And it won't break the bank at the gas pump either. Estimates have actually been made of something called its MPG, or Miles Per Gallon. It's so amazing. It's a race against the clock to buy a new car before the old car konks out.

Yes, the old clunker is a 1996 Camry with over 130,000 miles on it, peeling paint, a front passenger side window that is slightly ajar, and intermittent starting problems. Hopefully no one from Toyota is reading this blog as we try to get at least a little bit for the trade in.

It's a shame, because next February, the car would have been 13 years old, and it would have been time for its CarMitzvah. We would have read from the Holy Toyota Manual, and had all of our family and friends pump in a ceremonial tank of gas. But no candle lighting. Candles and gasoline do not mix. But alas, tis not to be. I guess maybe a new family will learn to love our old car before it totally falls apart.

Well, I've yapped enough to make this a good enough blog for Steve's blog.

So wish us good luck tomorrow at the dealership.

Vroom Vroom Vroom!--Steve-o

Steve's Blog Part Labor Day

2008-09-01T23:10:00.003-04:00

What? Do a blog on Labor Day. That could be construed as work, and that is not allowed.

Well anyway, here's a picture of the "fam" from our trip to Ocean City, MD.

Tomorrow, back to work. Phooey!

Steve's Blog Part "Big Apple"

2008-08-18T21:50:00.002-04:00

Okay, this week's blog is all about New York. And just so you don't think it is completely off the cuff, I was actually thinking about this bit this morning, and I already came up with two jokes. Admittedly, after that it will be back to cuff status, but let's see what happens.

If New York were settled in the era of game shows, it would be called "IT'S A BRAND NEW... YORK!"

If New York were named by hipsters, it would be called "Brand Spankin' New York!"

If New York were named by Jews, it would be called "Nu? York?"

If New York were named by people who loved words that begin with "Gn" it would be called "Gnu York"........ Good thing it's not.

If New York were filled with vacuum cleaners that cleaned up after Teletubbies, it would be called "Noo-Noo York".

If New York were overtaken by beings from Ork, it could be called "New Mork"

If New York were settled by picky wine makers, it could be called "New Cork"

If New York were settled by animals running on wheels and blocking waterways it could be called "New Hamster Dam"

If New York were overtaken by people from cities like Bombay who loved corned beef it could be called "New Deli"

If New York were dedicated to an Icelandic singer it could be called "New Bjork"

Well, that's all I got for this week. Before I go, I'd like to give a shout out to the person who make the joke comment last week about the Dream of the Blue Turtles. That was very clever.

Program note: There will be no Blog next Monday night as the family and I will be away on vacation. If you like, you can re-read one of my old blogs and delve deeper into its hidden meanings. Or, you could just take it easy.

Later,

Steve

Steve's Blog Part Living the Dream

2008-08-11T21:45:00.003-04:00

They say you should live your dreams. If I lived my dreams, I would walk outside in just my underwear and take a test that I haven't studied for all year. Then, in happier times, I would appear in episodes of Seinfeld, Saturday Night Live and David Letterman. Then, I would get endlessly lost in a place that initially seemed like it should be familiar. Then, I would fly across a swimming pool in one leap without touching the water. Sometimes, I would even fly above the houses and trees. I am sure there are other dreams I could live, but I don't remember them right now. I suppose I could keep a dream journal, but... neh.

Here's what some local folks say about dreams: (Well, mostly inside jokes about people at my work, but hopefully they will still be funny to the average Joe or Jane)

Kid at carnival -- I like dreams... and turtles.

G.H. -- I like pre dreams better than post dreams.

M.B. -- What's a dream?

S.G.R.V.S.R. -- I just can't figure out this dream.

C.C. -- I got here too late to dream.

R.C. -- My dreams are vigorous.

G.R. -- This dream should be over in twenty minutes. And then, right on to the next dream. Especially if it's on your WIPP List.

L.F. -- This dream is redikerus!

K.R. -- This dream is the best. Wanna bet?

T.M. -- Oh my God. You will not believe my last dream.

D.D. -- My dream got transferred.

S.G. -- My dream is to end this blog on a high note. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Steve's Blog Part "Did you..."

2008-08-04T21:37:00.003-04:00

Did you ever notice?....

...How one sentence with someone can lead to a whole, long conversation.

...The beauty of a rainbow.

...The fun of watching a child eat.

...How bad milk tastes when it is spoiled.

...That copiers always break down.

...That if you take the "H" in Heart and put it at the end, it becomes Earth (my son told me that one).

...That a lot of restaurants have a big, flat panel TV showing CNN for no reason.

...That songs can make you sad, or happy.

...That even numbers seem cooler than odd numbers.

...That blogs can end abruptly.

Steve's Blog Part To the Point

2008-07-29T21:44:00.002-04:00

Today's blog is short and sweet. To those cowardly anonymous commenters out there who want me to change the style of my blog, I say, no way! I change for no one! Well, except maybe my wife, but that's another story.

So keep your nasty comments to yourself! Well, really, it's your choice, of course, but that is what I suggest.

Steve's Blog Part Back From Vacay

2008-07-21T22:10:00.002-04:00

Okay, blog fans. It's been a week since the last blog. But doesn't it feel a lot longer? I think so. I think it was a long week, even though the family and I went on a little vacay to Wildwood Crest, NJ this weekend. Of course it was nice and all, but I have two vacation issues that need to be addressed by the next President.

1. The sun. It's too darn hot.

2. The ocean. It was a lot colder than the real temperature.

I think the next President needs to form a task force to consider forming a sub-committee to consider the possbility of addressing these issues. While it is true that these issues may not be directly related to the so-called "National Security" that everyone always seems to be talking about, they are important nonetheless. And as a registered voter, I'm sure there are lots of other people who feel the same way I do. Do, you, feel like I do?

So if Obama or McCaim reads this blog, (or at least if someone can pretend to be them) I would like them to respond to this blog with a full proposal ASAP (as soon as possible, for those of you who don't know that abbreviation).

Yes, I know there is not a lot of humor in this week's blog, but sometimes a serious issue comes along that needs to be addressed in a forum such as Steve's blog.

So until next week, God Bless America, and all that.

Steve's Blog Part Musings

2008-07-14T21:58:00.003-04:00

Lots of people think that today is "Juillet Quatorze", or some French holiday. But in reality, (well, my reality anyway), today is actually Jewy Cat Oars, a holiday celebrating a Jewish Cat who road a canoe down a river to freedom in the late 18 or 19 somethings.

Other people think that there is another French phrase "Je ne sais quoi", when in fact it is actually "Jenny say Kwah", a phrase named after Jenny's friends who used to goad her into making funny sounds.

Aren't languages funny. And names in differenet languages are funny, too. We actually had a friend in elementary school whose name was Manoj (with no trois), and his brother's name was Ragu (not Francesco Rinaldi). That is really true.

And what about nicknames, huh? How about that football player "The refrigerator" Perry. Do you think he could make his own ice cubes?

And how about the fact that there are two rapper/actor guys, one is named Ice Cube and one is names Ice-T. I mean, Luke Skywalker didn't call himself Luke Warm. See what I mean?!

And what's the deal with the DMV? Why does it take so long to get your license renewed? I have to go there soon. I hope it doesn't take too long for me, because I also have to go the bank that day and the dentist, and we have to get ready to go down the shore the next day. Wow, sometimes life just gets busy, huh?!

Wow, I'm sure I have overloaded all of you readers with too much to think about in this blog.

Until next time. Stay cool.

--Ice-Steve

Steve's Blog Part Before or After

2008-07-07T21:41:00.003-04:00

Well, as I start to write this blog, I don't yet have a title. I guess that's the way life works sometimes. Sometimes you start out with a title and then fill in the details, and sometimes we fill in the details first and then give it a title after the fact.

Like when I was four years old, and our family was going to Disney World. Undoubtedly, you could have given out trip a clever title beforehand like "Our trip to Disney World" because we knew where we were going.

On the other hand, there was the time after an art event we went to in New Hope, PA that I though I knew a short cut back to the road I wanted to be on, and we ended up lost in Bucks County farmland for 45 minutes at 1:30 in the morning. After the fact, you could have given that story a title like "Hellish time being lost in the middle of nowhere" or something equally as clever.

So, have I made my point. Let's bring on Helen VonTitleburg of the Titles Beforehand Institute in Titleburg, Germany. Let's see what she has to say about this topic: "I prefer titles beforehand." Hmm, telling words indeed.

And not to be outdone, we bring on Professor Louis After-de-fact of the Apres-Title Institute in Apres-Ski, France. Let's see what he has to say: "After the fact title is better, no?" Hmm again.

Well, there you have it. Which do you prefer?

Later,

Steve

Steve's Blog Part Beat You to the Punch

2008-07-01T21:38:00.003-04:00

Instead of doing this week's blog, I will anticipate some of the comments that might have been posted had I done this week's blog.

Anonymous: This is the stupidest idea for a blog I ever heard. If I had anything better to do with my time, I certainly wouldn't be reading this blog anymore.

Heath Ledger: I am so depressed after reading this blog that I won't do any more movies.

George Carlin: Reading this blog makes me glad I've passed on.

That guy from the Princess Bride: This blog is inconceivable!

Paris Hilton: That's cold!

Regis Philbin: Is that your final blog? You might want to call a lifeline.

G.H.--Is this a pre- or post-blog?

Anonymous: These people don't really read Steve's blog. Something screwy's going on here.

Hamm from Toy Story: Hey, that's my line!

Van Wilder: This makes me want to go eat pizza with one guy and one girl in a shop.

Anonymous: This blog is just a little accident, that's all. And the Hoot Toot.

Amy: Fwies! Fwies! Waddor! Waddor! Ou-side. Ou-side. Night Night.

Adam: Dat was my little sis-ter.

The wife: I never comment on the blog itself, silly.

D.D. This blog makes me want to move back to Pittsburgh.

M.B. I have nothing to offer to this blog.

Well there you have it. All the comments that would have probably been made about this week's blog. Later.

Steve's Blog Part Seinfeld

2008-06-16T21:37:00.002-04:00

Steve's Blog will not be seen tonight to bring you "Seinfeld, the Lost Episode" or, "Something I just made up"

George: You won't believe what happened!
Jerry: I'm sure I will, Georgey. I'm sure I will.
George: Whatever! Anyway, I'm getting ready to pay for a soda outside, and my $5 bill flies out of my hand and down a sewer drain! Just like that. Gone!
Jerry: That's terrible, George.
George: There should be some way that they could tell it was my $5 bill if someone finds it down there.
Jerry: Ok. First of all, you're saying that you would want your $5 bill back--after it's been in the sewer.
George: You're darn right I would. It's my money.
Jerry: If I do find out that you ever received a $5 bill back after being in the sewer, then you know we can never see each other again. It's bad enough you took that book into the bathroom. I should have disowned you for that.
George: There should be some way, that if they find the money, that they know it's mine.
Jerry: That's sounds plausible.
George: So that I could have a chance, of getting my money back. When you get your car stolen, at least maybe the police can find it. But money, once you lose it, it's gone!
Kramer: (Bursting into the room, as usual) Hey, George. What's all the fuss?
Jerry: (matter of fact-ly) George lost a $5 bill. It flew out of his hands, down the sewer. He wants some kind of money ID so he has a chance of getting it back.
Kramer: Sewer, ay! I, I'd go down there and look for it.
Jerry: What?! For a $5 bill. And to think I actually admit I know you people.
Kramer: Well, maybe not for $5. But a hundred--I'm down there (with funny hand motion).
George: Well I can't stay here. I'm too upset.
Jerry: Should we have a funeral for your $5?
George: Whatever. I'll see ya later (closes door).
Elaine: Hey! How come I wasn't in this scene! (she pushes Blog)

Me: WOAH! THAT HURT!

End scene.

Steve's Blog Part I don't know

2008-06-09T21:51:00.002-04:00

Well, I don't really know what to write about today. I shall have to call on the guidance of my Blogging Guardian Angel, Blogael. Blogael will now take over:

"Well, dear ones. One can talk about many things in one's blog. One could talk about the election. That is certainly topical. But then again, if one hears any more about the election, one could really so nuts, so perhaps one should not do that.

One could write about something totally at random, like any object that is on one's computer table at the moment, like one's son's Matchbox car. But then again, what would one say about this Matchbox car. Not much, one is sure, so let us forget about that.

One could write about Paris Hilton. Many have already written about the one who is called Paris Hilton. But then again, one has some dignity, and one does not need to stoop so low as to have to write about that interesting personality (that is the closest a blogging angel will come to a negative comment, unless the blogging angel stubs his toe. You don't want to be around for that one).

Or one could just end one's blog right now, leaving readers puzzled as to the value of what they just read. Yes, let's do that."

Steve's Blog Part Mitzvah

2008-06-02T21:32:00.005-04:00

Yes, back after a week's hiatus, during which we were having lots of Internet connectivity problems, Steve's blog is back just in time for today's momentous occasion--the 24th Anniversary of the my Bar Mitzvah. And now, here is a list of all of the things I remember doing on all of the June 2nd's of my life.

Big List

Date(s) (June 2nd's)-----------------------Things I did

June 2, 1972 through June 2, 1983---------I don't remember

June 2, 1984-------------------------------Had Bar Mitzvah

June 2, 1985 through June 2, 2007---------I don't remember

June 2, 2008-------------------------------Wrote Blog

So as you can see, June 2 has been a pretty interesting date in my life, with a least 2 memorable dates out of the 37 June 2nd's that I have experienced so far in my life.

Now what if you could remember the following things you did for the first time in your life:

The date you had your first Oreo
The date you first laughed
The date you first said, "I love You" to your Mommy
The date you first rode in a shopping cart
The date you first knew you had a belly button
The date you made your first friend
The date you answered your first question right in school
The date you first got a sappy email like this......................

If you forward this blog to exactly 6.5 people, at 10:23 tomorrow morning, you will magically know the answers to all of the above questions. And you will also remember "Who called that day", "What that thing was that you couldn't think of" and "That other thing that you forgot".

Now go get a good night's sleep and prepare for a magical tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Steve O'Gradessey--Lord of the Joke

P.S. Funny link: Young Hillary Clinton http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAu39I5QOUc

Steve's Blog Part Longer than last week

2008-05-19T21:38:00.002-04:00

Well, another week has gone by. Alright, I guess I can't put off this issue forever. Some of you, evidently, were upset by the brevity of last week's blog. Well, we at Steve's Blog do not Cow Tow to special interest groups. We do not take money from lobbyists. We do not accept contributions from oil companies. Our name is not Earl. We do not simply vote off people just because they are not in our alliance. There are no skills challenges on Steve's Blog that will give you immunity until next week. Steve's Blog does not have a laugh track--you have to make your own laughter. We do not tease you and then take commercial breaks. We also do not give away our favorite things on any episode of Steve's blog. There are no judges that screeen Steve's blog before it is published. And also, Steve's blog is not subject to the whim of America's votes (I can keep publishing this blog forever, even if the only person reading it is me).

What is it that I am trying to say here, right now, is this present moment, a moment that, once it is gone, can never be captured again (well, except maybe on You Tube or sumpin')? I leave it up to you, the reader, to figure out what I am trying to say. 'Cause I sure as heck don't know what I am talking about. Is heck too strong a word for a family blog such as Steve's blog? If so, please subsitute the word "Harry" instead of "heck" when reading this blog.

As a final thought, I am reading a book now called Eat Pray Love. My version would be Eat Nap Pray Nap Love Nap and Then One More Nap.

Until next week: Be the change you want to see in the candy
machine during break--Majobsa Bohr.

Love,

Steve

Steve's Blog Part Phooey

2008-05-13T22:45:00.000-04:00

The Flyers lost! Phooey! That's all I have to say.

See ya next week!

Steve's Blog Part cinqo de mayo

2008-05-05T21:46:00.002-04:00

Yes, blog fans. We in American know this date as the 5th of May. But it sounds much cooler to say Cinqo de Mayo. What does this holiday mean to me, you ask? Well, almost nothing really. What is does mean to me is that this holiday provides another excuse for us U.S. Americans to forget our ethnic differences so that we can have another excuse to go out and get drunk.

Just like St. Patrick Day, or pretty much any other holiday--yes, the greatest unifier in this great country of ours is that every time there is a holiday, we all rise to the challenge and do our duty by getting drunk together.

But what about the plight of the Polar Bear. The Polar Bear knows no holidays. All he wants to do is live peacefully in his natural habitat, away from the sting of Man. But alas, every year, more Polar Bears have to cancel their subscription to Sports Illustrated because they have no place to read.

And what of the Bald Eagle. If we in this country have found a way to send a man to the moon, surely we could find a way to get the Bald Eagle some nice hair plugs or that spray hair in a can so he wouldn't be so bald.

And furthermore, political parties should be abolished. Aren't we sophisticated enough to just vote for someone because of their beliefs, and not because of what square peg they fit into?

And Prayer in Schools. Teachers are the ones who should be praying, because students are getting violent to them all of the time.

And people who run side businesses at their "real job" shouldn't be tied down by their "real" work. They should just be able to do their thing.

And what's with blogs being too long...

Oops, I think he meant me. See ya next week.

Steve's Blog Part Mike, Election, Sports, Chrissy, Joke, Bye

2008-04-28T21:57:00.007-04:00

I threatened to start recording my friend Mike if we didn't get off of the phone by 10PM, and we didn't quite make it, so here is the last part of Mike's side of our conservation. Is it that late? Holy cow! I really have to get going, too. Are you typing, or are you recording into your little recorder? My last thought is, that's my final answer. Talk to you later, bye.

Yes, that was my friend Mike, who unbelievably finds most everything I say histerically funny. And we sometimes talk about serious stuff, too, the aforementioned pyschobabble. But it always ends up with a comic twist (which is much sweeter than a twist of lemon, bah dum bum (rim shot)).

So anyway, we had the primary election in Pennsyvania, and everything pretty much happened as they said it would, so there's not much to talk about there. Well, about 50 news channels DO always find something to talk about it, but it is mostly just drivel. When voting, just go with your gut and don't worry so much about "the issues". I have enough trouble keeping up with Steve's Blog without spending my whole day glued to CNN! So there! And that is Steve's politicial rant of the week.

In other good news, both the Sixers and the Flyers are in the playoffs right now. As I write this blog, the Flyers may or may not be still playing, they may be leading or trailing, or they may or may not be between periods. The preceding description was written for anyone who is TiVo-ing tonight's Flyer's game. But in any case, both are doing well so far, and you know us Philly fans, we love a winner (har har har!)

In other news, Chrissy overheard Jack say something to Janet. He was really saying he had a big gate, but Chrissy thought he said he has a big date. Oh, and wackiness ensued.

And finally, what's the deal with kids not sleeping well? Seriously, does anybody know?

And final, this week's Bible character joke. Q. What did King Nebbekednezzer say after he became very optimististic. A. Nebber say Nebber.

Until next time, if you send this blog to 50 people, at exactly 9:21 tomorrow morning, it will be one minute before 9:22AM.

Toodles,

Steve-o

Steve's Blog Part Taxes

2008-04-14T21:44:00.002-04:00

Ok. Let's get right to it. In honor of Tax Day tomorrow, some poems about taxes.

W-2, 4, 6, 8.
Who do we appreciate?
Taxes, Taxes, Yay, Taxes!

A deduction, A deduction,
My kingdom for a deduction.
... And throw in some tax credits, too.

Let me look into your eyes
and itemize
The ways I love you
For my Love for you
is more than standard.

I saw you
Across a crowded room
And I thought to myself:
"If we talk business,
I can deduct the drinks,
I buy for you".

Dr. J.
401K
John Elway
I'm getting carried away

And now, the Tax Day joke of the week: "If a former Boy Band's reunion fails, they can do a tax commercial and call themselves New Kicks on the H&R Block."

To Rapid Refunds and Beyond!

See ya next week--Steve

Steve's Blog Part No longer sick

2008-04-07T21:27:00.002-04:00

Well, blog fans. It has been three weeks since my last real blog. I have found that the desire to do a blog goes down when one is really sick. Now that I am feeling better, my desire to blog has returned. Perhaps I will publish these studies in a journal called The Journal of Blog-Related Research. Actually, no such journal exists. But if it did, that would be awesome, dude!

There were many things that happened to me in the past three weeks. Since I can't pick just one thing, I will give a general synopsis: Some things were good. Some things were bad. Some things made me sleepy, some did not (well most things do). Some things involved traveling. Some did not. Some things involved my family. Some did not. Some things involved evildoers. Some did not. Some things involved journeying to far off lands. Some did not. The most important thing is, this is all true. It could very well be in my autobiography. I think the public is very trusting these days of things that seem to be made up but are actually true.

Well that's enough blogging for today. You get a good night's rest and I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Next week: Who knows?

Steve's Blog Part "Sick" and Tired

2008-03-25T11:27:00.004-04:00

I've been quite sick since Friday, had to take two days off of work, and I didn't get a chance to do my blog last night. Just wanted to apologize.

Instead, a little promo: Robing Schwoyer, the director of the non-profit group Svetlana and I are involved called HeARTs for Autism, is being interviewed tomorrow on the radio on 95.7 BEN-FM at 7:30 AM (Wednesday March 26) as the Woman of the Week. For those of you who can, tune in. It should be interesting!

Dats all folks!

Steve's Blog Part Still Tired

2008-03-17T21:29:00.003-04:00

Those of you who read last week's blog will remember that I was tired. Well, I am once again tired. Suffice to say that most of the time when I write this blog I will be at least somewhat tired. Ok? Nuff said. I won't say anything more about it.

Ok, and now for this week's picture. It is a picture of our family with our friends the Gaal's at their holiday party last December. That was a pretty good time. I hope they won't mind me using their picture. What with all of these privacy laws and HIPAA and all that. My friend and I were talking about the whole privacy thing today, how you could be the best worker for 20 years but if they find out you violated somewhat's privacy, they might send ya packin'! It's all silly. What do you think, readers?

And now, this week's yolk: The inside of an egg! (HA HA HA)

Next week: Scientific study proves there are 50 ways to leave your lover (Google Paul Simon if you don't get the joke).

Later,

Steve-o

Steve's Blog Part Tired

2008-03-10T22:19:00.004-04:00

I am very tired right now. As hard as it might be for all of you blog readers to believe, I do other things during the week besides blogging. That is why I am tired. Presumably, if all I did all week was rest up to do my blog on Monday nights around 10PM, I wouldn't be so tired. But alas, I have other responsibilities other than blogging. And I won't lie to you, some of the other responsbilities I have are even more important than blogging. Like being a father. [It's time for A Very Special Blog]. Yes, having a baby look into your eyes is a feeling that can't be described. I wouldn't trade it for the world. God Bless America! Freedom! To Life! L'Chaiym! [And that concludes this week's Very Special Blog].

And now for this week's Joke: What does the President use when he goes fishing? Political de Bait! (Eh?!)

Well, that's all for this week! You'll have to wait, till next week, Nanny Nanny Foo Foo.

--Steve

Steve's Blog Part Really Really Real

2008-03-03T21:35:00.003-05:00

Well, blog fans, one of my coworkers suggested that I base this week's blog on some real events that happened to me in the last week. But just to spite this person, I will not. There, person/coworker, how do you like those apples?

And in any case, who's to say what is "real" anyway. I shall now site examples:

Most of so-called "Reality" TV is not that real.
One product claims to be "Real" mayonnaise. Is it?
One product used to claim be "The Real Thing". Was it?

There. I have sited enough examples. Do not make me site more examples, or I will be mad at you. And you don't want that. Grrrr!

Since I know you, the reader, cannot handle too much new information at one time, I will make that the end of the main point of my blog today. So don't complain that this blog is too long and you don't have time to read it. Nobody likes a whiner! Meowww!

And now this week's joke: Try the latest new product to calm your urges towards Political Fanaticism: PrimariAgra. If, after using this product, you experience an election lasting more than four hours, please call your Ward Leader immediately.

Next week: SuperDelegates vs. the SuperFriends!

Toodle Ew!--Steve

Steve's Blog Part Nominees

2008-02-25T21:27:00.002-05:00

Not to be outdone, Steve's Blog is now ready to bring you his own version of the Oscars--Yes, it's the first annual Blogscars.

And the award for Best New Blog goes to: "Steve's Blog! Welcome to My Blog! Monday, October 29, 2007" --Thank you. I'd like to thank anyone that I've ever met, or walked past on the street, or seen in a movie, including the extras that are supposed to be acting nonchalant in the background, yes, especially you. Without you, none of this blog could be possible.

And the award for best parody of a national holiday or observance goes to: "Steve's Blog: Steve's Blog Part Twah! Monday, November 12, 2007"--Thank you again. I'd like to thank Veterans everywhere for making this blog possible. I'd also like to Ferrero Rocher for making those really good Chocolate Hazelnut candies. Those suckers are really good!

And the award for best parody of a VH1 show (well, we're pretty sure that's what he was parodying) goes to: "Steve's Blog: Steve Blog Part Cat! Monday, November 19, 2007"--I'd like to thank reality shows everywhere for keeping it real, just when television was just getting comfortable being good (ZING!) I'd also like to thank the person who came up with the Alt-Tab function on the computer that lets you toggle back and forth between two screens. That can save you a lot of hassle.

And finally, the award for best parody of an award show using a blog and without using too much thinking goes to: "Steve's Blog: Steve's Blog Part Nominees! February 25, 2008"--I'd like to thank my wife and 2 kids, without whom I'd just be a creepy guy in this mid to late '30's, instead of a creepy guy in his mid to late '30's with a wife and two kids.

And a special award for best joke of the week goes to: "There was a guy who didn't like anti-perspirants so much he wanted to ban rolon (hoo hoo hoo!, those who get that joke)"

And now a super special Next Week Achievement Award goes to: "Next Week: Gerunds vs. Participles"

Your local news is next--Steve

Steve's Blog Part of the Bigger Picture

2008-02-18T22:41:00.004-05:00

For this blog, please see my blog about Veteran's Day and replace the words "Veteran's Day" with the words "President's Day". Ok, now I can go to bed.

What, you say that is a cheap trick, and that I should have new material in my blog every blog. You also say that Post-It notes are very useful. Well, after careful deliberation, I agree with you on both counts.

And now, presenting, new material never before seen in Steve's Blog. Material so new it can not be sold in Generic form, and you must buy it in "Brand" form and pay full price, even if you have insurance. Material so fresh it's Superfresh. Material so Giant it's Giant. Material so Genuardi's it's... {we get the joke}.

Ok, here is the new material: Sometimes I have a snack late in the evening, even though I shouldn't. Is this wrong? You make the call.

Ok, that's it for the new material in this week's blog. And now for this week's joke, which may or may not be new. You'll have to guess: Why did the man's life savings get schmeared all over his computer desk? Because he put his money where his mouse is (TEE HEE HEE!)

Coming up next week on Steve's Blog: How every Sudoku puzzle unlocks a secret code that can either change you life.............. or win you a free Happy Meal at Mickey D's.

Asti Spumanti, I mean Asta Manana, I mean cya next week.

Steve's Blog Part Salt and one Part Pepper

2008-02-11T21:38:00.000-05:00

Well, another blog, and so many choices of things to write about. Politics, the Grammy's, Starving Artists, Words that end in "Z"... What's a blogger to do? Well, I think the best thing to do is to start writing and see what comes out. So here goes:

One day the little brown big said to the big brown dog, "Why do all nursery rhymes contain the word "the" somewhere in the story?"

"Woof", said the big brown dog. He wasn't going to talk just because he was in a made up story. He has principles you know. But inside his little mind, the wheels were turning. Whether they were turning fast or slow, we'll never know. If want an answer, then ask Joe Blow.

Suddenly, out from the corner of his eye, the little brown pig caught a glimpse of the future. It was fascinating. "Coming up, on Access Hollywood", the future said, "More stuff to distract you from your own miserable life." And so the future was foretold, to be verified after this commercial break and a celebrity birthday quiz.

Then, slowly, the big brown dog... ran away, never to be see again. Surely this is a metaphor for own lives! Well, it must be, musn't it?! Sure! But what that metaphor is, we'll never guess.

But in an instant the joke of the week appeared: "In United States, we have "Fortune 500". In Russia, we only have MisFortune 500."--Thank you, Mr. Smirnoff

And then, without warning, a preview of next week: Next week, how to expand your vocabulary just by learning new words!

Oink! Oink! Woof! Woof!--Steve

Steve's Blog Part Super Mardi Gras Double Shot Tue

2008-02-05T20:28:00.000-05:00

Well, this blog comes to you a day late (but not a dollar short, because it's still FREE!). Last night, I was, to use the technical term, "pooped". I was so tired that I completely forgot about my blog. Luckily, Paris Hilton left a comment on my last blog posting reminding me that I had forgotten to do the blog. And so today I am writing this blog earlier in the evening to make sure I do it before I go sleepy-pie.

Well, it is a very momentous day. It's Mardi Gras, and it's Super Tuesday. I haven't checked the bars to see if anyone is celebrating, and I haven't checked the election results, so I don't know if anyone is "party"ing. Get it, political party. Hoy Boy! Aren't I great with this topical humor. Maybe they should combine Mardi Gras and the election process. Whichever candidate can get the most beads thrown around their neck wins the race. And anything goes. If the candidates can raise a $100 million for their campaigns, surely they can show a little "sumpin" to win the Presidency. Ya know what I mean, sucka!?

And now we go to Senior Joke Correspondent Dr. Humor for this week's joke: When I get low blood sugar, I start making "Toot" noises and I can't speak. Why, you ask? Because I get Harpo-glycemia. (HA HA HA)

Thanks, Dr. Humor. And now we go to Senior Next Week Correspondent Bob Nextweek: Coming up next week on Steve's blog--How not voting makes you a really swell person. NOT!

Ta Ta for now.

Steve-o

Steve's 2008 State of the Blog Address

2008-01-28T22:20:00.000-05:00

Welcome back everyone after a two-week hiatus, due to one sick baby last Monday night that I was holding for most of the evening because she was sick and would not sleep on her own. Said baby ended up missing 4 days of day care, causing her Mommy and Daddy to split missing 4 days of work, except for the extra two hours of work I got in on Thursday morning before I got the call that she had thrown up at day care when we had tried to take her in. But luckily, after two days where she slept a lot, she is now almost back to normal, which means she is now once again a pain to get to sleep. Ah, but vat can u do?

And now it's time for the State of The Blog Address:

My fellow bloggers and Blog readers, we have accomplished many things since the start of Steve's blog last year. We have broken new ground. Rebel Blog forces have been quashed. Blog leaders have been captured!!! (30 second applause)
Sure we have had some losses. I know there are some readers out there who aren't reading Steve's blog as much as they used to. But that's okay. We shall overcome!!! (30 second applause)
The Democratic bloggers out there accuse me of using my blog for selfish means. But are these people true Blog-Americans? We are the true Blog-Americans!!! (30 second applause)
Unlike the President of the United States, I do not have to worry about winning reelection. Even if I lost all of my readers, I could still post my blogs and read them myself. And that is what Blog America is all about. Perserverance!!! (30 second applause)
In the coming year, I am vowing to stay the course. Sure there may be a stray holiday or a sick baby now and again that prevents me from Blogging. But that doesn't mean you aren't always in my thoughts and prayers. Yes, prayers! I said it. Whoever says that Religion and Blogging should be separate is not a true Blog American!!! (60 second applause).
And finally, some people say that I should just worry about my own Blog, and not about protecting other Blogs. But what price Blog Freedom?!!! (45 second applause)

Commentary: A moving, yet somewhat predictable State of the Blog Address there from Steve. Surely he did not dissapoint his most ardent fans, and whether he swayed any opinions tonight for those who are on the fence about Steve's Blog, that, as usual, remains to be seen.

We now join this week's joke already in progress: ... And so the guy says to the Nun,
"That's one habit I don't want to break." (HA HA HA)

Until next week, LiveStrongly!

Next week: Must there be 50 ways to leave your lover?

Steve's Blog Part Mid Jan

2008-01-14T22:18:00.000-05:00

Yes, blog fans. It's that exciting time of the year that I like to call Mid January. It's the time of year when the holidays are over and all of us who have the day off next Monday are looking forward to Martin Luther King day. It is a time to reflect on things. But then again, it is always a time to reflect on things. And it is a time to enjoy one's family. But then again... (we get the joke).

And now it's time for this week's Humortology Forecast: This month's Humortology sign is Kettle-Corn:

When you wake up in the morning, and you step outside, you'll take a deep breath and you'll get real high, and you'll scream at the top of your lungs, "What's goin' on?"

Later in the day, you'll get the sense that it is later in the day than it was earlier. This is normal. Don't panic. Or at least, if you do panic, Panic with Style.

In the evening, enjoy a Good Book or Book on Tape or Scotch Tape or Hop Scotch or Beer with Hops or Lite Beer or Lite Brite or a Bright, Bright, Bright Sun Shiny Day or a Day Break or Breakfast or Fast Times at Ridgemont High or High School of a School of Fish or Fish Sticks or Stick Ball or (this paragraph will self destruct in 15 seconds). Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick (KABOOM!)

And now, this week's joke: What do you call a Seattle rock band who lives in a pineapple under the sea? GrungeBob SquareCords. (HA HA HA)

Well, buh bye for now. Be good (but not too good).

Next week: How a preposition can be a good thing to end a sentence with.

Steve's Blog Part 2008

2008-01-07T22:15:00.000-05:00

Well, hello all, and a happy, healthy 2008 to you all (poo poo! (to ward off the evil eye)). Some of you may have noticed that there was no blog last week. Some of you probably didn't notice at all. Some of you were probably even relieved that there was no blog to read. And some of you even did other things in the past two weeks besides thinking about Steve's blog.

But anyway, the reason that there was no blog last Monday night was because... it was New Year's Eve, baby! Me and the Mrs. and the two kiddies were at a big New Year's Eve bash at one of Svetlana's friend's house. Her hubby is an awesome cook, and he made some bitchin' dishes that were to die for, let me tell you. And there was a Karaoke machine, so we all took turns singing lots of songs from the machine. The machine even kept score as to how well it thought you were singing the song. Many of my scores were highly mediocre, but my best score was an 89 out of 100 on Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven, a song that many of you may have heard of. Svetlana and I even danced to that song at the Sweet 16 party where we met, which was over 19 years ago (can you believe it?). It brought back memories. Svetlana was even getting a little teary-eyed. And both Adam and Amy stayed up until Midnight at the party. And believe or not, Adam fell asleep before Amy. She lasted until the way home, and Adam fell asleep around 12:15 and we had to carry him to the car. We even forgot his sneakers at the party, and I went to go get them a couple of days later when I was in Northeast Philly to get my haircut at Svetlana's aunt's house. And while I was picking up the sneaker's, I got to have some more yummy food from Svetlana's friend's husband. So it wasn't all bad.

So why, you may ask, am I rambling on a lot in this blog. Well, because my co-worker said that I had to make this blog twice as long as a normal blog because I missed last week. And I figured, well, I work with this guy, I had better not disobey him, for fears of retaliation or downright sabotage. So Mr. Coworker, I hope you are satisfied with the length of this blog. If it is not up to your standards, I can always add a few more words to next week's blog to make up the difference. But I am trying as hard as I can to fill up space while trying not to say anything worthwhile. I hope it is working. Also, he said to mention my fear of change. So I just did.

And now, this week's joke: The United States' Political System (HA HA HA). Just think, if Hillary becomes President, by the time she is out of office, Chelsea will be almost old enough to run for President herself. And then she can continue the Clinton legacy (Steve, time to wake up!) Oh, I must have been dreaming, back to the blog.

So many of you may have noticed that this week's blog is not really laugh out loud funny. Maybe more of a light chuckle once in a while kind of blog this week. Well, this has been perfectly designed to ensure the highest good for all. (Well, that's what they always say in all of the Psychobabble books).

Before we go, this week's dumb thought: All of the names of the days of the week contain the word "day".

And now, my New Year's Resolution: 640 x 800.

Later, Y'all.

Next week: How to make a wealth stream just by dumping a lot of money into a small body of water (Get it, Wealth Stream). Hoo Boy!

Steve's Blog Part Ho Ho Ho

2007-12-24T23:17:00.000-05:00

Well, it's a special Christmas Eve edition of Steve's Blog. I'd love to say that we have several special guests stars, or a touching tribute to someone, or moving passages that will make your heart do funny things. But alas, 'tis not to be. We leave those things to other people who are not Steve of Steve's Blog. On this blog, we concentrate on what we do best, which is plop down a couple of random thoughts as we compose our blog late on a Monday night.

And now, this week's Christmas-themed joke: What was Santa's nickname as a baby? Santa Crawls. As in the famous song: "Santa Crawls is trying to escape from the living room to the kitchen because the gate is open". What, you never heard that song"? Well, just you wait, baby, just you wait.

Well, tonight, me and the fam (that's slang for family) went looking at Christmas lights. But you are Jewish, you say! I didn't say that, you say. I know, I made it up, I say. Anyway, we enjoy looking at Christmas lights. Ideally, a real estate ad to lure a Jewish person to buy a house would say, "You will leave near other Jewish people, but you will also be close to good Christmas lights, too." I think I speak for all Jewish people when I say that this is true. How can you speak for all Jewish people, you say? Well, it's very easy, I say. Sweeping generalizations are great, especially when there is no one else there to immediately rebuke (this week's SAT word) me. So there you have it!

Well, it's time to wrap things up (get it, wrap things up, you know, presents, wrap). Until next time, be safe.

Next week: New Year's Eve--Right Wing Conspiracy or Liberal Claptrap! You decide!

Steve's Blog Part Hmmm

2007-12-17T22:18:00.000-05:00

Twas the week before Christmas
And all through the blog
Not a comment was stirring
Not even a frog? (well, it rhymed, didn't it?)

The paragraphs were started
By Steve with care
In hopes that new sentences
Would soon be there

Well some had jokes
and some had observations
But all were made
With careful contemplation

And now it's time
for this week's joke
What tastes worse
Than Diet Coke?

The answer is
So plain to see
It's a Diet Coke
That's Caffeine Free

Well, you say
That joke really sucked
If fact, you can
Go get... a drink of water

Hey, this is a family blog
you say
Ok, then, I say
Then let us pray

In this season of blogs
Let's all be at peace
And now it's time
For this blog to cease

And coming up
Next week
How to go
From Geek to Chic!

Steve's Blog Part Latke

2007-12-10T22:26:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays everyone! May the spirit of this blog bring you closer to checking your email again... at this special time of year.

Well, once again, last week's blog, although not mentioned on Oprah, was well received by some high quality individuals and also by some well known collective consciousnesses in this and other realms. If you don't know what that means, that's ok, I don't think that I do either.

And now, this week's joke, which received the official Gradess extended family approval at last Saturday's Chanukah party as sister Lisa's house, and it goes a little something like this: Last week I gave a donation to an organization that helps out physicians who only live near a Barnes & Noble called.... Doctors Without Borders (Can't you hear that Gradess extended family laughter in your ears!)

And now for this week's Chanukah update, a weekly feature that only appears in this week's blog: Yes, Chanukah-palooza 2008 was held last Saturday at Lis and Bob and Melissa's house in Medford New Jersey. Their address is 555 CLearlyNotARealAdressLane, Fictiontown, NJ 55555.

And now, answers to your FAQ's about this Chanukah party:
Were there Latke's? Yep.
Was there Lox? Yep.
Was there Whitefish Salad? Yep.
Were there Bagels? Yep.
Was there Cream Cheese? Yep.
Was there Jewish Apple Cake? Yep.
Was there a birthday cake for Pop-Pop? Yep.
Were there Chanukah presents? Yep.
Was there a Polyanna with the adults, with present stealing involved? Yep.
Did Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop stay for the 11 O'Clock news? Nope, they had another party to go to.
Did Steve and Svetlana stay for dinner? Nope, they had a party to go to.
Did Bev and Rick stay until twilight? Nope, they went home to.
Is this more info than you wanted to know about this party? Yep.
Should I end the blog now? Yep.

Well that wraps up this edition of Monday Night FootBlog. Until next time, be well (Ommm!)

Next week: The hidden grammar mistakes inside your favorite songs, like "Me and Julio down by the schoolyard."

Steve's Blog Part-aaayy!

2007-12-03T22:59:00.000-05:00

Well, welcome to December, blog readers. December is a special time for blogging, because the blog spirit is especially strong this time of year. Especially if you are looking for some new Christmas shoes (inside joke).

And now, reviews from last week:
"I was proud to be the star of your Blog"--Sister Lisa
"You outdid yourself. I laughed out loud"--co-worker
"Very funny, schmoo"--the wifey

And now, this week's joke: I tried to get in touch with my inner child the other day, and it hung up on me.--Bah dum bum!

And now, the topic for this week's blog was suggested by one of our readers. He suggested that I talk about the Jet Stream oven. Well, I don't know much about the Jet Stream Oven, but I will tell you what I know. I know that it can cook stuff faster, cleaner and more efficient than a normal oven. And if you call within the next 10 minutes, you can purchase a Jet Stream Oven at a fraction of the cost of other ovens that contain the words "Jet", "Stream" and "Oven". You can also use your Jet Stream Oven for a guided meditation. Picture your Jet Stream Oven in a beautiful field, surrounded by colorful wildflowers swaying in the breeze. The sun beats down on your Jet Stream Oven like a bright, but not too hot, summer day. Let your Jet Stream Oven breathe in and out, focusing on its breathe. Lay back on the hot ground with your Jet Stream Oven and let you mind be emptied of all of the clutter of this work-a-day world. Then, dance around with your Jet Stream Oven to a joyous song, like Sheryl Crow's "I wanna soak up the sun." Then, drift slowly off to sleep.................................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Have a peaceful week, faithful readers and users of the Jet Stream Oven!

Next week: How to Lose a Week and a Half in Ten Days!

Love,

Steve

Steve's Blog Part Dog

2007-11-26T22:15:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone! We have some exciting news to start out show. This week's blog title was chosen by one of our loyal readers. Over a million people besides our winner did not submit an entry! Staggering numbers indeed.

And, coming up later, two of our readers wanted to be in this week's blog. Later in this blog, they will get their wish. STAY TUNED!

But first, this week's joke: Arnold Schwartnegger, using his credit card—Hasta la Visa, Baby!
That was a joke from the Steve joke archives--on vinyl. Up next, a classic from Thin Lizzy.

And now, as promised, two of our readers get to star in this week's blog. The nominees are:
Brad Pitt
Lindsay Lohan
Julia Roberts
My Sister Lisa
My niece Melissa

And the winner is.......... Oh my God, we have a tie. It's My Sister Lisa and My Niece Melissa! Congratulations to you both! Lisa and Melissa could not be here tonight. We at Steve's Blog accept this award in their honor.

And now, a story starring Lisa and Melissa.
Lisa and Melissa were walking in the woods one day when suddenly they heard a noise. They both stopped in their tracks and said, "EEK!" Then, they hugged each other and screamed "Auuuggghhh!" Then, they decided to sing and dance for no reason for a few minutes, ala a Broadway Show. Then, they called Bobby Bear. "Bobby Bear, what shall we do? We heard a noise while we were walking in the woods. What shall we do, oh wise Bear?" And Bobby Bear said, "Sorry, the Flyers game is on, call me back at 10 O'Clock." And because Bobby Bear wouldn't help, Lisa and Melissa were both eaten by a Giant Silly Thing. The End.

Well, that's all for this week's blog. Shee you shoon!

Next week: The America Association of Redundancy of America

Steve's Blog Part Cat

2007-11-19T21:21:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's the moment you've all been waiting for--another blog.

First off, one reader suggested that as an addendum to last week's blog that I give some kudos to our nation's veterans. Ok, here goes: "Kudos, nation's veterans!" Second, I'd like to give a shout out to all of our international readers out there (well, one person, as far as I know, but better than nuttin'! Third, I made a comment on another person's blog, and both the blogger and his mother thought it was funny. Check it out at http://cheifet.blogspot.com (re: "A state of loneliness").

Ok, now it's time for this week's joke: What do you call a game show about couples with bladder problems? The NewlyWet Game. HA HA HA!

And now, the real meat of the blog. The part where I really pull out all of the stops. The part where I paint the town red. The part where I make you forget a time when there wasn't a Steve's Blog. Yes, it's time to look back at the ups and down of Steve's first three blog in a segment called VHWUN's Behind the Blog.

Narrator: Everything was looking rosy for Steve after his first blog. Everyone suddently loved him, or so he thought. But paranoia quickly set in. Did they love him for him, or was it just for his blog? Here's Steve, in his own words.

Steve: This is me, in my own words.

Narrator: Telling words indeed. By the second blog, Steve was addicted to prescription painkillers and huffing and had withdrawn from society. When he tried to get in touch with his inner child, it hung up on him. He had hit rock bottom. Steve now continues the story.

Steve: Please continue.

Narrator: Ok. By the third blog, Steve had turned his life around. It wasn't any one thing that turned him around, just a lot of hard lessons along the way. Steve now courageously continues his blogging journey, in this, his fourth blog. And now, Steve's final thoughts.

Steve: Thanks for all of your support. Keeping buying the albums! We'll see you next week.

Next week: Celsius to Fahrenheit--What they don't want you to know.

Steve's Blog Part Twah

2007-11-12T22:02:00.000-05:00

Welcome back, everyone! I hope you all had a good week! I know I did! You can tell by all of the exclamation marks!

Before we get started, one of my co-workers suggested that I put more "jokey jokes" in my blog, the kind that can just hit you in the face with laughter. Well, we at Steve's Blog like to please our audience. So here goes, a joke:

Arnold Swartzenegger, in his new movie about composers: "You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach!"

And there you have it, a joke to start things off. Well, aforementioned co-worker, I hope you liked that one. If not, well, I shudder to even think about it. Let's just hope for the best.

And now, we can begin. Because it is Veteran's Day today, today's blog is a salute to veterans. How do I know it is Veteran's Day, you ask? Well, because I work for the government and I had the day off. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have even noticed. But anyway, I will now tell you how I spent my day honoring veterans.

First, I drove my daughter to day care, honoring veterans every step of the way. Then, I dropped my son off at our neighbor's house so she could take him to the school bus stop, still thinking about veterans all the way. I then had breakfast, veterans racing through my head with every chew. Next, I took a two hour nap, dreaming about veterans in every REM Stage. Then, I woke up and had some lunch, chewing and honoring veterans at the same time (not an easy feat).

After that, I really honored veterans by going to Kohl's to shop at a Veteran's Day sale. I bought one shirt and three pairs of pants that would be suitable for a veteran of my exact build and taste. And if this veteran were like me, he would have to shop alone because his wife would refuse to shop with him again because it takes him so long to pick out clothes. Then I drove home--driving, listening to the radio and honoring veterans, all at the same time (I am multi-talented!).

After surfing the internet for a while (no doubt while some veterans were surfing the internet, too), I took another nap (I am not only multi-talented, but multi-tired, too!) Other tired veterans may have been sleeping at the same time I was, which is pretty exciting! Then, I woke up and had some food while watching Oprah, with special guest star Celine Dion. Imagine how many veterans were probably watching the same show, because I'm sure lots of veterans like Oprah. I hope one day to have my book be the first humorous book in Oprah's book club. Most of those books are too bloody serious. Lighten up, people!

At this point, it was around the time that I would have been getting out of work anyway, so after this time I did not concentrate on specifically honoring veterans, except for this blog which I am writing now.

And now, I leave you with this week's poll question:

What do you think veterans would think of this blog:
A. This is a load of crap.
B. This is a load of doo-doo.
C. This is a load of (insert your own synonym here)
D. All of the above.

Coming up next week: More stuff off of the top of my head. Sassy!

Love ya, mean it!

--Moi

Blog Part Duh

2007-11-05T21:51:00.000-05:00

Well, here we are at the second blog already. How time has gone by. I'd like to thank all of you for your response last week which was, if not overwhelming, was at least whelming. And at least one or two people asked me when my next blog was going to be. (cue snooty accent) Well, we can't disappoint our public, can we. HA HA HA. (end snooty accent)
So one person wanted to know what the JHBCT was. Well this is a creation from my friend Mike, and it is in fact the not-well-known-at-all Journal of Half-Baked Cacamaimy Theories, a journal that doesn't really exist, but it still funny nonetheless. More breaking news about this journal as it becomes available.
And now it's time for this week's deep thought--When a lamp is not turned on, it is still called a lamp. And when a light is not turned on, it is still a light. So why it is so hard for women to email my friend Mike back when he emails them on Match.com? If anyone knows the answer to this question, please provide it to us. Don't keep it to yourself. That would be rude. And if you know the answers to any other questions, please feel free to share them, too. Or if you know any other questions, whether or not they have answers, you can tell us about that, as well. Basically, you can do whatever you want. Who am I to tell you what to do? (cue Jewish Mother accent) Vell, if you vant to throw your life avay, don't let me stand in your way. Oy Vay! (end Jewish Accent)

Ok, that's it for this week's blog.

COMING UP NEXT WEEK: How to make a half an hour in 30 minutes or less.

Stay classy, internet!

Welcome to my blog

2007-10-29T21:56:00.000-04:00

Hey, all. Welcome to Steve's first blog post. Throngs of people (well, at least a couple anyway) have implored me to start a blog. They really had to twist my arm, because I am so shy, but eventually, I thought I should do it for the good of humanity (cue dramatic music). Because every American who longs for humor and psychobabble in this great land of ours needs to have a voice. Why? So they can ask where the bathroom is? Otherwise, they might pee their pants.

But seriously, I dye grass, I mean, I digress. So, in this blog you will certainly get some "musings", as are the trademark of a blog. You will also learn about things such as Humortology, Psychobabble, The Secret Plan (not to be confused with The Secret, unless you want to), Bulk Discounts, and possibly even the JHBCT (if I have my friend Mike as a guest blogger.

Well, for now, Ta Ta.